One of my new year’s resolutions is to write more. While I was home for Christmas I heard from a few people that they wished I would write on this blog more, and that they enjoyed reading it. So, I will get back at it.
There are a few reasons as to why I stopped writing on this thing about a month after my move to Copenhagen. It started in the summer of 2013 to share my experiences and thoughts while backpacking abroad, something that I could go back and read in my later years to reminisce as well as for my family and friends to get a kick out of. I enjoyed the act of writing while riding trains and as I ate my morning breakfast in the hostels. But now, a few years later, I don’t really go back and read my posts like I thought I would. It’s a lot like when you hear your own voice on a recording. It kind of makes me cringe. I can remember the thinking behind why I wrote what I did, and why I re-phrased certain sentences, and it created this feeling of in-authenticity….a fakeness….a sham. I want to be is authentic in my writing…..in my life. So if I’m going to write again, it needs to be as unprocessed as possible. No polishing. No fakeness.
A second thought as for why I stopped writing on here runs hand in hand with trying to tell family and friends who ask how my move to Denmark has been. My automatic answer is its great. It’s been amazing and I’m so happy and fulfilled in everything that I do out there in Copenhagen. So similar to all the Facebook postings I see people make that are vomit inducing. Don’t get me wrong, that is somewhat of a true statement sometimes. I’m glad I’m here and I’m surviving on my own in a new country, culture, and career. It’s just that I feel like I’m also painting this false picture because I don’t have time to go through all the ups and downs. Of course, I’m leaving out a lot of the downs because I have 5 minutes to tell you how my experience has been living in a new country over Christmas dinner. This could be just my own paranoia, but I don’t want to add to the problem where everyone makes everyone else feel worse about their conditions in life by only dispensing their highlight reel parts of their life. I felt like that was what I was doing in this blog. I was sending out the highlights of my life in Copenhagen, and it took about a month before I started to feel like I was posting fraudulent material as I wasn’t exposing the associated lows.
So in my vitamin D deficient, homesick, and alone on a holiday sort of mood, I just want to tell it like it is. Life gets tough, for everyone. I wanted to find how hard I could push myself like all the hero’s in the movies who go through trials and tribulations, only to return a triumphant, interesting, and wise being. It’s so romantic in thought, but doesn’t exist in reality. So many things don’t exist, or atleast how the mind expects them to be. Even when I do well at certain things, and get pretty far in the last year, my mind will inevitably focus on my failings. My failure to even scratch the surface of the Danish language, my failure to cultivate any kind of romantic relationship (and my failure to believe she’s out there at all), my failure to meditate, my failure to eat as healthy as I used to, my failure to have productive weekends after staying out too late, the list goes on and on. For the life of me I can’t figure out how some people can seem like they have it all together. But I guess my first reason for why I stopped writing in this blog can be referenced for that. Everyone is just faking it, and some are better than others.
So I guess if I had to summarize my various negative musings right now, I would just like to exemplify the fact that you can’t run from your demons. Moving abroad is a great experience. I would recommend doing it if someone asked. But it is volatile. It is hostile. It is lonely. It is exhilarating. It is eye opening. It is soul crushing. Maybe some are much better at it then me, and if that’s the case, then go ask them how they do it.
I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable. It’s just the only way I can justifiably write down something of meaning that I feel can be posted and read by others. I can’t fake it. One thing I know for certain is this too shall pass.